Housekeeping

[pecunium]

My post about my new girlfriend was, for those who noticed, a bit vague on some details. Not least, I didn't mention her name.

I'm not going to. The poly aspects of her life are not out to her family, and so I am not going to risk one of them finding out about it from me.

I could make a filter, and use her name behind it, but that's not fair to those who might want to comment, and it's poor security for her. It would put a burden of keeping track of the filtering of my posts before they made reference.

I've done the dance of circumspection before. Marna and I were involved before Maia and I broke up, but the poly aspects of my life were less known then, and I didn't want people to think my involvement with Marna was part of the breakup (it wasn't).

So... what can be in the open, is in the open, and what can't be, isn't. The players in my romantic life are Marna/commodorified (occasionally referred to as, "my Canadian Girlfriend), and CG (which is a shorthand for, "CrushGirl) which was the way Marna teased me about her when I started talking about her; right after we met, a year ago Friday) is the reason for my understated squee of yesterday.

If I seem to be somewhat secretive on things, that's the reason why.

Comments

[onyxlynx]

Hey, I only found out last week that you'd moved to Tennessee!

[pecunium]

Moved isn't the right word. I'm here because, at the moement, it's affordable. It has some emotional advantages (I get to see my father, and my sisters for more than a couple of days), but I am not staying here.

In August I shall either be in SLO, or a little south of San Francisco.

[dsgood]

That's a good reason for not revealing.

I know things about various other people which they want to keep secret -- and which I don't understand the need for secrecy about. But I keep the secrets.

[wetdryvac.livejournal.com]

*nods*

Security, even accounting for filters, is completely understood. Goodness knows I don't put names or data on the LJ that have security implications simply because the ease with which I've seen LJ security be bypassed is pretty bad. Granted, usually the breach is local to the user's password control, but I don't trust that control to be solid, and I tend to think that even with explicit do-not-share in place, people simply forget. Where sensitive data and private lives are concerned, better safe.

Not surprised you're taking it into consideration, but it's nice to see.

[redbird]

Having a handle/nickname for the people you can't or shouldn't name more explicitly helps, I find.

I spent a couple of years referring to one of my partners online only by an initial carefully selected to not be theirs, or that of anyone else I was close to. The point, in my experience, is to find a layer of comfort that you and your partners are okay with.

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

The point, in my experience, is to find a layer of comfort that you and your partners are okay with.

There was some tension around that. I mean, I'm basically Little Ms Open Book. For various reasons, a lot of my sense of personal and emotional safety - as well as a lot of my identity - is attached to being Out [and thus safe from people who want to use personal stuff about me to get a handle on me; it's complex].

I don't, rationally or really, have a problem with how pecunium handles things, and it's not like we didn't discuss it between ourselves, but when one's discretion level and one's partner's [s'] discretion levels clash, it can be tough. Keeping the line between private and secret is hard.

There were times when I felt, pretty much irrationally, either like I was a Shameful Awful Secret (the breakup hapening at the same time did NOT help), or like I was actually inventing the whole seriousness of the thing in my own head (the breakup happening at the same time did not help, Part Two).

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

And there were times I was, slightly more rationally, tearing at my hair because I wanted to say more; and was afraid the way I wasn't saying things was causing people to make unpleasant inference, and wishing I was able (because my not being out of the Army didn't help, all things being equal) to just say...

Here it is, this is my life, and I like the broad strokes (even if some of the present details are a bit dark and a trifle unpleasant).

Thankfully I don't have to worry about that any more.

Smooches.

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

This broad likes you, too. Even if I don't get to spend NEARLY enough time stroking you. :-)

[redbird]

Oh, I get that. There were times that, even knowing exactly why they needed it, I was uncomfortable with rysmiel's need to keep things quiet/not findable online when we were first involved. I'm very glad that's no longer the case.

It helped both that I knew and understood the reasons, and agreed that they were sound reasons, and that rysmiel was comfortable being open in person and with the people each of us was actually close to.

Like you, I'm prepared to let a bit more hang out than my partners are, but we have (in each case) found comfortable equilibriums. For example, it matters to me that I'm out to my mother; since I never see and in fact have never met Adrian's mother, I don't need her to know my relationship with Adrian.

[dianyla.livejournal.com]

I have to say, I'm always more surprised when people *do* use their real names on sites like LJ, forums, etc. I don't use my real name for online play spaces. Professional forums and networking sites, sure. And I generally never refer to anyone else by their real names either, even if they use their real names I'll still use their usernames or other euphemism/handle.

So, anyway. I just don't think there's any need for you to apologize for not sharing this kind of information publicly.

[who-is-she.livejournal.com]

sounds completely reasonable to me.

those who are involved know, and those who aren't don't need to know those details. I am happy if you're all happy.
:)

[bifemmefatale.livejournal.com]

This!

[ckd]

I wholeheartedly agree with this. "Need to know" and "boundaries" are not concepts only to be used in military and geopolitical contexts, after all!

[soon_lee]

Thirded.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

As long as I can tell whom, in relation to the writer's life, the writer is talking about, I certainly don't care what name is assigned.

[desert-vixen.livejournal.com]

I think I would have to agree with the above.

Congrats!

DV

[don-fitch.livejournal.com]

I might not fully understand "Poly Relationships" -- probably because, back in The Day (more than 50 years ago), I had a lot of difficulty coping with _one_ Significant Other -- but I sure don't understand people who seem to insist that someone in a public forum somehow has an obligation to provide all the details, especially when they concern someone else. So using just initials, or some kind of pseudonym, seems perfectly reasonable to me -- and even admirable.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

I wish you (plural) joy.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

I wish to manage a meeting at some point.

As for joy, we'll manage. :)

[sharon-masters.livejournal.com]

Actually, i am awfully amazed at how well you do write about most of your life without creating undue burdens for others in your life-- it's a joy to read your journal.
And congrats on the ongoing good things:)

[harimad.livejournal.com]

I'd be more surprised if you did use real names. You don't really know who's reading this.

PS - Canadian Girlfriend and CrushGirl have the same initials.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

I know that, "Canadian Girlfriend" is sardonic, and I expect it to be contextually obvious.

Life is messy. I can cope. People can ask questions if it's not clear.

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

I actually only answer to "Antigonish"

ETA :-)

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

Secrecy is a pain in the patookus, isn't it? I think you handled this well.

I'm working on de-secreting my life, but it's tough, and slow going.

[mesoterica.livejournal.com]

Totally cool with the need-to-know basis :) Congratulations on having smething squee-worthy, understatedly or not!