Funny that (PTSD related shit... trigger warning, I guess)

[pecunium]

I went to the VA a couple of weeks ago. For those who don't know... I'm not as well as I might like. Quite apart from the Reiter's Syndrome, I have symptoms of some mild PTSD. Is it PTSD? I don't know. But when I look at the list of symptoms... well it's not hard to see a lot of them which fit.

Am I a gibbering wreck, hiding in the basement and waking with night horrors? No. I am more reclusive. I've been pulling back from people, and from things I used to enjoy. I have less motivation than I used to. I am moody, irritable and prone to some sorts of being more emotional, and some sorts of less.

I don't sleep much.

It's been progressive (when I first got back from theater.... I was a mess. Were it not for the love of my friends, Maia's support and the suppport network offered up by Seattle fandom... who knows how I'd have ended up.

PTSD, even the mild stuff, is insidious. It's like a subtle filter on a photograph. You don't see it, in any one place, but it colors the whole thing. My war was "easy" (for such values of easy as apply only in a war zone. I am unaware of anyone who tried to me specifically. That doesn't mean no one tried to kill me generally, nor that I wasn't nervous, tense, on-edge, and looking over my shoulder for the guy who decided to go for killing me retail instead of wholesale).

Then I got sick. Really sick. Life-alteringly sick. That got me sent back to Kuwait, and Germany, thence to Walter Reed (where I got life threateningly ill: because my treatment regimen and I didn't get along), before being warehoused at Madigan Army Medical Center at Ft. Lewis.

Which is when my war got hard. I was 1,300 miles from home. I was 11,000 miles from my comrades. I was in charge of a squad of people who were all in, roughly the same boat. All of them had their own problems. All of them had people in theater they were worried about, and all of them had the hospital, the GTSB and fate to contend with.

The kid with narcolepsy wasn't too bad. Narcolepsy sucks, don't get me wrong, but as problems go it wasn't that bad. The PV2 who was forced to choose between rear-ending the supply truck in front of her, or going off a drop of more than 30 feet; she took the wreck. The private in the right seat... well she didn't make it out, and it wasn't pretty. To add to things... her husband was one of the people who cut her out of the wreck. He came home on leave, she got pregnant. When he redeployed, he fell into the bottle. They got the divorce a couple of weeks before she had the kid.

So I spent eight months worrying about my health, their health (and the health of other people. There was an SFC who killed himself in Mologne House, two days after I got there, and the Major who tried to kill herself in the barracks at Ft. Lewis. I got to lead the detail cleaning her room out.... she used some of her blood to damn the GTSB for not helping people).

There was the kid whose gear I had to box up for storage while he was in the brig. He'd used his charm to play on the sympathy of locals to get about $5,000 in aid; aid he didn't need. He got 90 days, a bad conduct discharge, and a ride home when he got released.

The news... a horror. Every week ArmyTimes lists the names of the dead. Every week we looked at it, hoping it didn't have anyone we knew. I had to worry it might have someone one of my troops knew.

All that shit grinds you down. You suppress it. You drink. You buy things for people (what the fuck does money matter?). You bottle it up until it's safe to look at; but you know what... it's never safe to look at.

I blogged about it.

But I didn't. I talked about things that mattered, but not about any of that shit. What was I gonna do... wax all melodramatic about how tough it was? Shit. It wasn't tough. Some mortar rounds here and there. The siren screaming we were being gassed (it was a false alarm). Driving 800 miles just behind the expanding front, and intervierwing the EPWs. Eating MREs and taking baths out of water bottles.

No mail.

So what? I was in one piece. My guys... they were still in it. Day to day I didn't know if they were alive or dead. E-mail (when I got it) could only let me know that some hours ago they weren't dead. One of them got a piece of shrapnel in the eye. Fuck. No permanent damage... good.

Another one shows up on the way to a Hardship Discharge... and they make him fly back to Baghdad to get a fucking signature... Christ!

But is this something to go all weak in the head about? Is this the sort of thing which makes PTSD? Maybe.

I don't know.

Here's the thing... I don't want PTSD. Who does? That's part of the nature of the beast. It's invidious. The diagnoses means you are broken. If you have it because of weak asssed shit like being scared for four months straight that you might be killed; but no scars or battle stories to show for it.

WEAK.

If you have it because you got sick and thought you might end up a cripple for the rest of your days (even if you spent two-weeks not dying in hospital)....

WEAK.

And worrying about other peoples problems... if you get PTSD from that...

UBER-WEAK.

Ok.... so We got that out of the way. I am weak. Weak enough so all that combined to screw me up. If it's not PTSD, it's still done a damned fine job of putting a monkey wrench in my life; trust me on that one, ok.

None of which is why I'm writing this.

I'm writig this because there are people who are worse off than I am (seems to be my refrain... I can't be sick, there are people who need more help than I do... part of the problem that is).

Those people, are being screwed. Remember where I said I went to the VA a couple weeks ago...

They were kind enough to tell me I don't have PTSD. A consummation devoutly to be wished, right?

Maybe not. I, you see, am having "trouble readjusting." It seems a lot of Iraq vets are having the same sorts of troubles. Five years since I got back, you'd think I'd be pretty much readjusted.

Seems there's a reason so many of us are having trouble "readjusting"... It's cheaper than PTSD.

So the VA has issued directives telling doctors to not diagnose, nor test for, PTSD

Way to support the troops, eh?

On March 20, 2008 a VA hospital's PTSD program coordinator sent an e-mail to a number of VA employees, including psychologists, social workers, and a psychiatrist stating that due to an increased number of "compensation seeking veterans," the staff should "refrain from giving a diagnosis of PTSD straight out" and they should "R/O [rule out] PTSD" and consider a diagnosis of "Adjustment Disorder" instead.

So there you go. I went to the VA, wondering if I had some PTSD. Now that they've seen me.... I have a shiny new diagnosis, and I still don't know.

Fuckers.

Comments

[redbird]

That sucks. Both the VA directive to pretend that nobody has PTSD and the problems you have, whether or not they qualify as PTSD when examined by a doctor without instructions about what diagnoses are allowed.

Also, as I've said to other people: yes, there are people who are worse off than you are. That doesn't mean your problems aren't real, or that you aren't allowed to take them seriously. You are allowed to ask for help.

[summers-place.livejournal.com]

Words fail me. May I offer a hug in their place? And whatever else of need you may find in knowing that I and others devoutly wish that you - and others - did not have these problems?

Oh, and a pox on those who would place political and/or financial expediency above the health of veterans. "Fuckers" is too mild a term, methinks, though I admit I am at a loss to think of a more appropriate one. (I'm not sure I'd know how to handle the level of vulgarity necessary for the task, frankly.)

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

First of all, I'm really sorry, and I wish you all peace and love and comfort.

Second of all, when did the VA become so completely focused on costs over care? Is it really strictly a Bush thing, or did it start once we started cutting "waste and fraud" out of the budget?

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

I don't know if the tone of that "fuckers" comes across. Suffice it to say I didn't know how to put the tone of resigned disgust into it 16 years ago, which I now can.

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

And now, Love, print that out, fold it up, book an appointment with that non-VA shrink, walk into teh office, and hand that piece of paper over.

Also this (http://www.kipling.org.uk/poems_strain.htm)

And you know the rest of it. So I won't embarass you with public mush.

[ckd]

I wish there were something I could say or do that'd make things easier for you.

All I can say is that I read the whole thing, and I'm here and listening. (And remembering the old one-story brick MAMC from when I was a kid, but that's not really relevant.)

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

I've been to the old MAMC... it's still used for reserve related stuff.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

Not weak...human. More so than the people who got you and your troops into this godforsaken mess.

All of you deserve better. I wish you were getting it.

*leaves a pebble*

[pdlloyd.livejournal.com]

[[[[HUGS]]]]

As summers_place said, "Words fail me."

I see this all as a failure of command, from the very highest (i.e., Presidential) level. I wish I knew a way to help, not just you, but the whole situation. Aside from casting my vote for the team that seems least likely to give us more of the same.

ETA: I've linked to this in my journal, since I saw it wasn't friends-locked. If you prefer, I'll take my post back down.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Let me tell you something Sergeant. There's nothing weak in looking out for your troops. Nothing weak in caring about the people who've been placed under your authority. Nothing at all weak in giving a damn. You're not the first NCO to be haunted by the memories of your troops, and I sincerely doubt you'll be the last. It's a goddamn shame the monkeyfucked VA can't or won't help you like it should -- and yes, it should -- but don't be listening to those voices that say you were weak. Of such weakness is the strength of our enlisted force made.

Even the strongest get hurt some times. You were strong for your troops. You gave a damn. You cared. They will never, ever forget that.

[enegim.livejournal.com]

God damn it.

Adjustment DO and PTSD are not at all the same thing, of course. Not that that's really relevant to whoever is promoting this sort of nonsense.

I don't know what else to say except that you have my prayers and supportive thoughts. But FWIW I'm a psych professional (MA-level counselor, currently completing my doctorate) with training in PTSD/trauma treatment. Yes, seek counseling from a non-VA therapist; if there's any way I can help (not providing counseling, but e.g. DSM-IV knowledge), please drop me an email.

I did post a link to the VetVoice site, with excerpt, to a mailing list for doctoral-level psychologists, in the hopes that someone will think of a useful way we can respond to this outrage.

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

I don't think we've ever met, but I send hugs and good thoughts.

Whether or not you "officially" have PTSD, you obviously went through an terrible ordeal. Some people have it worse, but plenty of people did not have to go through what you did.

Have you ever listened to Blue Oyster Cult's "Veterans of the Psychic Wars? A friend used to think it helped it a similar situation. The physical damage aside, the psychic/psychological impact of war is enormous.

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

Do you know anything about these guys (http://www.thesoldiersproject.org/), by chance?

[geekosaur]

And worrying about other peoples problems... if you get PTSD from that...

UBER-WEAK.

Not really comparable... but the scariest part of my life was when I realized that I was acting as the emotional anchor for my coworkers in a failing company. If you're the type who takes that seriously, not only is it going to affect you directly but it means you will do things which are better for them and worse for you. Which in my case led to taking a job I shouldn't have and not doing anything about it until it had really screwed me up, because to complain or leave would make me look unstable and I was still keeping my (ex-)coworkers stable. And considering what a much lesser situation did to me, I can definitely see PTSD there.

Of course, the flip side is that your seeing things as signs of weakness might indicate that you're still in the above-mentioned headspace, which means it just keeps getting worse until you crash.

[5251962.livejournal.com]

God that fucking sucks. I'm sorry.
Anything for a dime with these people, I swear.
(Sorry toddler of doom was messing about and made me hit the send button prematurely.)

Also, while I do not know you all that well, I understand the feelings you expressed there down to the capitol WEAK really well. I can tell you til I am blue in the face how you likely aren't, but I know to an extent how it feels. Plus, I'm just some nebulous internet person half paranoid who enjoys reading your entries- so, what good does it?
Hope at least a little.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

I want to agree with the earlier posts about "weakness". I've not dealt with PTSD, but I've had deep depressive moments where all I can see is deep moral failure. And, like you, there are a lot of people out there in worse shape than I am. And what corner I may have turned recently in living with my depression comes... I don't know how to say this, and I hope it doesn't come across as scolding, because I see you really willing to deal with what you've been dealt... But I've only recently really using the resources out there. In some ways I feel emotionally better than I have in 20-25 years.

I've also been telling myself, "It's not a moral failing, it's brain chemistry.", and that also helps.

Hopefully there's something useful in all this blathering about.

Take care.

[georgiamagnolia.livejournal.com]

I want to reply with something helpful/profound/meaningful here, and vocabulary fails me. Partly because experience fails me. I am not in the military (though my friends are, members of my family were, etc. and like that) and my own experience with PTSD is vastly different, I was assaulted. That causes a whole 'nother set of symptoms, the same but not. But the denial is the same, the fear is the same, the anger is the same, the feeling weak is the same, the feeling broken is the same, but not. The memories are different. The nightmares are different. The triggers are different. But the feeling of lack/loss of control, that is very similar. So I can't say I feel your pain, because I have not had the experiences you have had, yet my own pain, lessened certainly after all these years, still resonates on some level to yours. Perhaps instead I should say I empathize. I won't compare my experience to yours, not only is that rude, but it's apples and cockleburrs. But I did want to give some support, if only from afar and over the internet. It isn't much. I wish it were helpful. I hope it is supportive.

[ginmar.livejournal.com]

If he's lucky, they'll read it. If they're true to form, they won't, I'm afraid.

Terry, you know where to get ahold of me. I'm glad you're talking and coming out, so to speak. If I have to slap you around to get that idea of 'weak' out of your head, as well as the whole thing about 'how other people had it worse,' I will, rank be damned.

[mitejen.livejournal.com]

My god, what an amazing thing you must deal with. And of course on a superficial level I know about things that happen to homecoming troops, and have read stories and blogs and seen the photos of that gentlemen who got married despite the disfiguring burns, but you have put the most human face on this possible. I feel for you, and I wish there was something I could do for you.

I used to have the 'weakness' phobia that permeates a lot of our society these days, of course for different reasons than you. My father was a Marine and his mother was a psychopath, so I inherited a lot of crazy down the pipeline. It took me a long time to understand that having feelings, needing medication, crying, things like that, were not weakness. Strength without empathy is fascism, and empathy without strength is passivity. It's not something that can be worked out in a single therapy session, I know for a fact.

[royeh.livejournal.com]

RAGE

It took a friend of over 50yrs to get help he needed for problems
that started during our efforts in the fiasco of the mid 60s.

Now that he's in the system, he's being taken care of pretty good.
He got lucky with the guy that operated on him, who is also head
of the department at a large teaching hospital down the road.

Here's hoping that you find such luck

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's why I said Non-VA shrink.

These folks (http://www.thesoldiersproject.org/), who I occasionally nudge him to get hold of, seem like a promising direction to check out, as far as counselling-what-is-counselling as opposed to fighting-for-structural-assistance. Pro-bono and not in any way beholden to the Army or VA.

[ginmar.livejournal.com]

And I'm going to be calling them tomorrow myself.

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

Hi. I like you.

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you got the diagnosis.

But it happens. It doesn't mean weak. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage to look at the broken places in yourself and start trying to fix them. It's weird because yeah... you always can think of someone who's got it worse off than you, there's always someone who needs help more than you do. Guess what? You still have a problem and you still need help. But it's hard when you've learned to let the people with the "Real Problems" go to the head of the line. It is hard to learn to see your own stuff as real problems, but what you are describing is a real problem. And you won't be able to help and care for others till you get this straightened out. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your outfit.

I got mine from being a child abuse survivor, and that's a different kettle of fish, but it is what it is. You try to get support from people who love you and care for you. You find a good shrink and you work with em. You do what needs to be done. It -can- get better.

It's not weak to be honest about what happened and what it did to you. And it can get better. And I hope it does for you. I wish you the best.

[shunra.livejournal.com]

PTSD is insidious. One of its effects seems to be hypervigilence (you don't sleep much, eh?)

A great big chunk of my PTSD was removed through EMDR. I'm still broken, but not as badly as I was before that. Other chunks got worn off through time (AFTER the EMDR. Before that it was totally fresh, new with every morning.)

As one of the best putter-of-things-into-words I know said "[I am] not what I intended to be, just what I can be".

About the VA - that's a mirror of our country, is it not?

I offer a hug of recognition and solace.