Revelations

[pecunium]

I have often said I am not nice, merely civilised.

Going to a war, if nothing else, has made me more certain of this.

I recently found out someone I know died.

I smiled.

I never liked this person. In fact there was a brief time I actively hated him (he took advantage of adminstrative privilege to hack an account of mine and be vile).


In my life I have wanted to kill a very few people. He never rose to this level, quite, but I did hope he would do something physical, so that I might beat the living crap out of him. Ten years later, I no longer feel much of anything for him.

That I feel no grief at his death doesn't bother me. That knowing he is dead, and knowing that those who loved him (he was young, in that age where the reaction is, "this person was too young" but not so young as to be an obvious tragedy) are grieving, doesn't mean much.

In my heart of hearts I think the world is better off without him.

I almost think less of myself for this.

But not quite.

I am civilised, not nice.