Can't go back, gotta move on

[pecunium]

Yesterday I was at the VA. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Not phsycially, not mentally, but emotionally.

It was my interview/physical exam for the question: How disabled is Staff Sergeant Karney.

The interview took a bit more than an hour. Draining. I don't like to think of myself as being damaged/handicapped/disabled. I am. I know I am. I am reminded of it every day. The pills, the aches, the things I can't do as well as I used to (ride horses, hike, open jars); all of those combine to make it plain to me that I am not completely whole.

But to list every one of them, to haul my mind back to the beginning, and recount the onset, and the various pains and indignities my disease inflicted, and continues to inflict... that was new.

I left, and went to get some brekkie. I called CG and asked if she wanted to join me, because I needed a comforting presence. I didn't eat but a bit of my cheescake, and probably rambled about tings which didn't really relate to the problems on my mind.

Then I went back; for the exam.

That took longer. I know why she was so thorough, it's a big deal, and all they really have to go on is the records on file, my testimony about how things are for me, and the exam.

I've seen questionable horses, being purchased by dubious buyers which were less carefull examined. She was friendly, and warm, and probably has as good a beside manner as anyone could hope for.

But it was still more than an hour of being on a table in my nothing by my undershorts, while I was poked, prodded, twisted, folded, bent and brushed. I am more sore on my right, less mobile on my right. I can push better than I can pull. It's possible I have Reynaud's Disease.

I went back to CGs and made dinner, talked about random stuff, and passed out. Slept like a log, and headed to school.

I'm broken. I'm not destroyed. I may (almost certainly, actually) be completely fit again. It sucks. I hate it.

So what? I've been stuck in a strange head space for the past 6 years. Some of it mild PTSD, some of it denial, some of it minor self-pity.

Ok, that was bad. Some of it is still bad. Today is what it is, and that's as much as I am gonna get. One foot in front of the other and keep on moving.

I ain't dead, so we call it a win.

Comments

[dianyla.livejournal.com]

No, you're not dead. It's a survivor's problem, this one.

*hugs*

[don-fitch.livejournal.com]

Yeah, call it a win. Face it, Terry, you're not the Prime Physical Specimen (or whatever approximating it) you were back at age 26 (or whenever the physical crest is reached in typical human males). You've been going downhill for a while, and (on an average) you can expect to continue this until the end. So cope, and enjoy whatever you have.

(Mind you, I'm talking about "average" -- there will almost certainly be ups as well as downs. Don't know if I've mentioned it, but a few months ago I was griping (to myself) about having to rest for fifteen minutes after a half-hour of swinging the pick-axe against an area of recalcitrant subsoil while double-digging in one of the Community Gardens plots . Then I realized that, 15 or 20 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to pick up the pick-axe and swing it even once. Win!)

[izzydesan.livejournal.com]

Not having known you until recently, and now only having known you through this blog, I certainly can't speak with much authority. But from your writing and the tales of your life, it seems to me that you are doing much more than just surviving. Despite the physical issues from which you are suffering, you live a fuller, richer, and more active life than many people I know who have no such problems to contend with. The strength that allows you to do this is inspiring. You are winning now, and I somehow think that you will keep on winning. It seems to be what you do, and this is a good thing. A very good thing.

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

Alas.

The funny thing is, I've been invisibly "disabled" since I was sixteen or so--or maybe eight, depending on what you look at as the important diagnosis. One adapts. I've learned to press my limits, and I don't think it's any different than anybody else. Everybody, after all, HAS limits--even if I have to push harder to get results that aren't quite as good.

Everybody's broken. Doesn't mean we're useless.

[maps-or-guitars.livejournal.com]

Win.

I know we've not met, but I read most everything you write, and It seems to me that you're living vibrantly, and with purpose.

Glad you're here, writing.

[pyffe.livejournal.com]

What izzydesan said!

[klrmn.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
(says the woman who tends to speak 80% in touch and 20% in words)

[saoba.livejournal.com]

You ain't dead- that counts as a win in my corner of the world.

I value your writing, I trust your input on your areas of knowledge and seeing your name in comments here or elsenet is enough to make me sit up and pay attention. You improve the conversation, you increase the signal and help drown out the noise.

I wish you weren't dealing with the physical stuff. It's hard when the body doesn't match the you in your head.

[wetdryvac.livejournal.com]

*nods*

"Ain't dead," Is a win, as is the work you're doing on both physical and mental processes. It's been interesting to watch how you handle this combination of circumstance, and helpful at times - sometimes you do something that applies to my own thinking, "Well hell, I should have worked that out ages ago," And I'm grateful indeed for those moments.

The rest of it - strange head-space is familiar territory for me, and part of why I present the way I do, so I have a functional layer between myself and those I interact with. I nick tools to manage the strange head-space all the time, so some of the ones you've presented, particularly those you appear to be using in addressing groups, have been of great use.

Nope, I don't have the words to describe it well. Something along the lines of, "Ah, so that's how that body language works in interacting with that social structure." Useful. Seeing bits of where that comes from in your writing... even more so.

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

Ain't dead is definitely a win.

Also, we have each other. And plenty of snacks. And a whole big future stretching out ahead.

And ... it still sucks. This is why it's good to have a hand or two or three or many to hold while putting one foot in front of the other.

narf

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

You know what they say about scar tissue. (I believe it applies to emotional and metaphorical healings as well.)

The other day I was considering getting another knife. (I have a basic chef's knife I like, not stellar but decent.) And my first thought was, "I should ask pecunium for advice - even though I don't even know you. I just mention this as a tiny instance in which your wisdom and value are apparent even to a relative stranger.

[soon_lee]

Definitely a win.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

Ok, so ask about the knife. :)

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

OK, I will. I have one decent chef's knife (I think it's from Remington). I will be taking it with me when I go live away from my husband for 7 months this year. (He prefers using a serrated knife.) I will be living in a furnished apartment, in a country where that means *fully* furnished - dishes, pots, sheets, utensils - and it's reasonable to assume they will have a cheap carving knife and steak knives there (assume Ikea level of quality).

What knife would you buy if you were me?

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

What's your budget?

I'd get a 6" utility. If you like a full bolster, I'd go with an A.G Russel (it's what I have). If you don't, then either a Shun Classic (if you are right handed) or the new Shun Premier (which is really pretty).

I'm going to be picking up the premier soon, because I want a non-bolsterd untilty, and it's got a deep-enough chord to be really useful in small mincing/chopping operations.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I assume "chord" means the same thing it does in airplane wings. What does "bolster" mean in relation to a knife?

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

Chord is the same, basically. Distance from spine to edge.

The bolster is the part of the knife where the blade meets the handle. in classic european style knives that means there is a ridge which runs down the heel of the blade. It re-inforces the back of the blade.

But it's heavier than the blade and it can't be sharpened. If you own a knife with a full bolster long enough you will need to have it ground down to restore the profile and be able to cut all the way to the heel.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Thanks! As for specific brands, I'll just have to see what's available; shopping options are Taiwan or the Netherlands. I might be best off looking for a Japanese knife in Taiwan.

I really was originally trying to point out one of many small areas in which I think you have a lot of expertise and do good in the world, even despite any limitations you might currently have. I wasn't trying to find a sneaky way to ask about the knife - if it was something I needed right away I'd just come out and ask. But it is something I want to get, and I do really appreciate the guidance.

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

No need to apologise.

I don't know if the shun premier line is available other than through Sur la Table.

In any case, a 6" untility is probably the best round out knife for your needs.

[perlmonger.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're here, for your photographs and for your words, your wisdom, about food, knives and the world.

As has been said, we're all broken in various ways; some things get better, some you adjust to and barely notice, some you just live with.

[editrx.livejournal.com]

Aw, Terry, I hate to hear you possibly having Reynaud's. Because it usually comes with other autoimmune/rheumatological diseases or syndromes. :( Have they tested for the Ro factor and/or checked your inflammatory levels?

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

I am positive for HLAB27, and my sed rates are at the high end of the normal range; at least when the periodic bloodwork is being done.

I'm not so happy about the Reynaud's either, but I've suspected it for a while.

[ironphoenix.livejournal.com]

It's a win, but a qualified one, as most wins are. Being broken sucks, even though one pushes on regardless. You have my sympathy, and my respect.

[kestrels-nest.livejournal.com]

Damn, but I'm not used to being lost for words. That's why it's taken me awhile to say anything.

You move on, but then having to go back over how you got to where you are takes you right back, at least for a bit, and it seems to hurt just as much as the first time. Sort of getting your nose rubbed in not only where you are, but how little control you had over getting to that point. However necessary it may be, it's painful. I'm sorry you had to go through it, hope you don't have to jump through more such hoops.

Hugs. Go well, Terry.

[martin-wisse.livejournal.com]

I've got some (secondhand) experience of what you went through in that exam, through my partner, who in real life isn't disabled, she just has those limitations of her sodding body she has learned to live around you know, until she has to go to hospital, her routine is broken and she has to tell yet another set of doctors her medical history.

It's not just physically uncomfortable, but such an exam confronts you with the hard reality of what's wrong with you, stripped of the defence mechanisms we all use to keep the truth away. No wonder you were drained afterwards.

[songblaze.livejournal.com]

Yeah...that's exhausting. I've applied for SSI/disability, and am going to have to contest being turned down soon. Not something I'm looking forward to, as you can imagine, because it means that I have to lay out all of the problems not only to my primary doctor, but also to all the specialists and then I have to talk to a lawyer about it all...

From my experience, the Raynaud's isn't actually all that terrible to live with. You have to get used to having a pair of gloves stashed in the pockets of every coat, and you really can't go barefoot except in the summer. Of all the things I've really had to invest in, my good heavy scarf has been the most helpful because it protects nose, cheekbones, and ears, which definitely suffer from the veins closing in the cold. As long as you stay properly bundled and warm, it ends up not being much of a big deal. It is, however, part of why I can't swim anymore - I can't tolerate being in stuff that cold. I'm very lucky that the boyfriend insists on warming up my body parts when they get chilled, because when I have a really bad attack - like, walking in freezing temps with no layers beneath my jeans and a short jacket so both of my legs are having the attack from foot to hip - it takes an outside force to warm me up. My body isn't capable of fixing it. Oh, that reminds me, an electric blanket and heating pads/packs are very good things to invest in. My electric blanket is one of my favorite posessions, come wintertime.

(And if yours is as severe as mine, you're likely to experience bizarre and uncomfortable things like Raynaud's attacks on the nipples when the bathroom's a bit cold and you're getting in the shower. That one is quite painful)

[dianyla.livejournal.com]

In my book, a diagnosis is a win. It means you have something tangible to sink your teeth into, instead of vague wiffling "we don't know why you feel crappy" kinds of answers.

[songblaze.livejournal.com]

Also, there is a super cheap version of heating pads that is easy to make. Take tube socks that are 100% cotton, dump in about 2 lbs of uncooked rice, and then nuke them for somewhere between 1-2 minutes, depending on the power of your microwave. They'll hold heat for about 45 minutes, longer if you wrap them in a towel after you heat them.

2404 Lots of slashes but no Xs.

[qp4.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain (and discomfort and "foreign object sensation" if you have those too). I told our PA a few weeks ago I was about 80% but FMC. When we went over the list he says, "We're not doing very good, are we?" I think he meant "we" as the Army's medical corps.

Still in the fight though, that's what matters.

[cavyherd.livejournal.com]

Well, speaking as a recently converted fan of Mr. Staff Sergeant Karney, you are "disabled" in the way that a fine old bonsai tree is "disabled." Gnarly and twisted perhaps, but emitting deep beauty and strenth thereby.

IMnot particularlyHO, you are rather better than just "ain't dead."

[pecunium.livejournal.com]

Speaking from the outside: No, I may have some of those traints, but I was/am stunted in the way a person with bound feet is stunted.

[cavyherd.livejournal.com]

But I stand by the "emitting deep beauty and strenth thereby" part.

:-P ;-)